From Birdie Nest

Sunday, August 12, 2012

I'm back...battle weary...but back!

Wow...I can't believe it's been so long since I have posted. 

Sorry, but my life had taken a turn on the "merry-go-round" of life.  Let's just say I fell off and hit the ground {really} hard!  Now that I have gotten back up and dusted myself off, {with many scrapes and bruises} I will attempt to record it all here.  Hopefully and prayerfully it will encourage someone else who is going through a hard time and just needs a bit of hope to hang on to.

Dec. 2011:
I had been working at the little store in town and was really enjoying it, when I decided to get another help bring in more money.  Dog-gone money!  Anyway, I had accepted a position at a doctor's office up town and was doing both until my contract ran out at the end of December.  I was still going to sell items through the store but couldn't keep up with that plus being mom/wife/and now working 25 hours.
I enjoyed my new job, but felt overwhelmed with the hours and not having the time with hubby I was used to on our every other Friday together.  Plus, my house was a mess and regular chores weren't being kept up with either.  I was "give out"!
Birdie was still doing great, but, I think I was starting to 'melt down'.  Too much on my plate & not able to cope with it all at once.  I was a mess...crying often at the slightest thing and touchy and fatigued.  I had heard several people say they had seen a "Christian counselor" in town and that she was wonderful.  So, I talked to her briefly and got scheduled.  Boy, I had no idea how much I needed to vent and cry!  I cried a river of tears.  You could say 14 years worth.  Now I had someone I could talk with besides hubby about our bird;  the struggles we faced, all the years of hard times, all the {stuff} we have been through and she could see how all this had taken its toll on me.
So, my solution was to quit the job and be broke.  Just 'be mom', not a work-outside-the-home mom.  But somewhere in the marbles rolling around in my head, something said I needed that job.  Sanity, social interaction, a little extra money.  But hubby felt I should quit too, couldn't take the nut case his wife had become...I went in to give my notice and they asked why.  I gave a brief explanation and they suggested I cut back my hours.  Duh!  We talked and prayed about that for a couple of days and I decided to keep the job, went down to 12 hours.  Aaahhhh!  Much better on my mental state and the state of our home life.

But, there had been so many changes in our life and I just could not deal with one more thing/change. precious Tori died (in November-right before Thanksgiving).  I honestly think that is what finally tipped the scale and sent me over the edge.  I thought it was something I would get over and just move on.  Apparently not!!  That was so hard on birdie, us too, but I didn't realize what a huge part of our life Tori occupied, until there was that void.  Then, other things started to show themselves to me that hurt my heart.  I cried out to God to help me "get over" this.  But thankfully my counselor showed me that it took 14 years to get to this point, you don't just turn it off like a switch.  So medication helped, I just felt like a failure to "need" meds to cope with the life God had blessed me with.  **Important note**  I never once regreted my life or the people in it.  Just wanted to run away from it for awhile.  I was, and will always be, very needed...with a special needs child.  That is just the way it works.  Plus, I adore her so much it hurts, and that she is growing up in some areas and not in others makes it hard to wrap my mind & heart around.  See, I was a mess.

In February we got a new (to us) puppy.  She is a 2 and a half year old Lhasa Apso mix and has brought lots of fun and spunk to our lives.  Still miss our Tori, but this little toot has kept us/mostly me busy.  Her name is Kenzie.  She looks a lot like Tori, except she is a shorty.  She loves birdie and birdie loves her, but also hard for birdie to grasp that Kenzie hasn't replaced Tori.  Tori was old and tired and is waiting for us in Heaven.  Kenzie has brought lots of smiles and sharp little teeth marks to our lives...

Well, this has been an exhausting post.  I will have plenty more to share, but for now, at least you know what I've been up to.  Clingin' to Jesus!

Serving Him,